When Columnists Finally Crack
by the-hippie-whittlers
Summary: This is based on the columnists Michael Swaim and Dan O'Brien on the Cracked website. More accurately, it's based on the personalities cultivated by each as portrayed through their articles, web series, and most prominently the series Agents of Cracked.


So far it had been a typical day at the offices for Michael Swaim. He had arrived for work around noon (fashionably late as always) and immediately went to his partner, Dan O' Brien's, cubicle. Swaim must have posted his column that morning, though he didn't remember doing so, because DOB scowling as he read a wall of text on his computer. This didn't stop Swaim from skipping in and attempting to sit down in DOB's lap. DOB immediate pushed him off as swiveled in his chair to face the dejected Swaim.

"I just don't understand why you thought it was ok to write your article about me," he spoke as he gestured to a headline on the computer screen which read "10 Embarrassing Things DOB Has Tried To Hide (Poorly)".

"And what you wrote about me…well I don't think I'll ever be able to hold my head up in this office again or anywhere for that matter. You know, I'm actually impressed with the sheer amount of work you must have put into this to gather this information."

"Oh, no, it was easy to find this stuff," Swaim countered as he took a juicy bite if his heroin injected apple. "Your mom was really eager to talk about you, especially after I threatened to burn her house down. The rest I got from calling up your old girlfriends. Man, do they _hate_ you."

"What! I'm not even going to ask how you got all of their numbers…wait, you threatened to burn my house down? Were you actually going to do it? No, I don't want to know. This is too much. I've put up with you and your "antics" enough. I'm talking to the boss about getting a new partner."

DOB briskly walked out of his cubicle and approached the door to Jack O'Brien's office. He knocked softly, almost hesitantly, but the door immediately opened exposing his eyes to a blinding white light.

As he stepped inside Swaim shouted after him, "come on, don't be like that. It was a joke anyway…you really are being a Dr. Baby about this."

DOB ignored Swaims pleas as he took a seat at Jack's desk. "I'm really sorry to disturb you like this, but did you see Swaim's newest column?" The black silhouette sitting before him shifted and in a deep gravelly voice said:

"Yes I did. Best thing he's written in a while, you wouldn't believe the amount of diggs it got."

DOB shifted in his seat, unsure on how to proceed. "You did see that it was about me though? More specifically it revealed many embarrassing things in my past that I would have preferred everyone in the office not to know."

Jack chucked to himself. "And I thought that it couldn't get weirder than your horse fetish."

"I do not have a "horse fetish". I don't have a sexual interest in horses, I collect models of them. I don't see how you can really confuse the two. Anyway, the reason I came here was to request a new partner. In the course of writing this article he threatened to burn my Mother's house down. I don't feel safe around him; ok, I never felt safe around him, but now I feel even less safe. Obviously-"

Jack cut him off with a wave of his hand. "When you took this job you knew what you were getting into. It's too late to back out now. What you fail to understand is that you are probably the person safest from Michael at this moment. He would not have written this article if he didn't feel a certain bond with you; therefore he would not destroy that so easily. To the outside world he appears very much like a retarded monkey child, but to himself everything he does with pure motives. Go back to your partner and embrace him."

"But-" DOB started to object.

"Go. Or I will forcibly remove you."

DOB understood immediately what that meant. His ears had been ringing for days after the boss's last display of his force. He quickly left the office and grudgingly returned to his cube to find Swaim spinning around in his chair. As soon as he saw DOB his happy demeanor faded.

"So, did you get a new partner? Gonna throw me out like a baby on prom night huh? Well, I'm sorry that I ever cared about you. Cared enough to find out more about you, because even though on the outside you're just a short, stumpy, little, tiny-"

"Ok, I get it. Is there more to this?" DOB interjected.

"Underneath that all you're actually a pretty cool guy. Isn't that right Mr. Lead-in-the-school-musical? A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum and that was Dan owning the shit outta Comedy Tonight. I saw the tape."

DOB didn't know how to react to this. Swaim had never said anything complementary to him before. And even though it came at the end of a string of insults, and it wasn't even something that he would normally be proud to admit, it still made him feel kinda good.

"Uh, thanks, I guess. And no, I'm not getting a new partner. Jack loved your article, and I think I may have overreacted just a little."

Swaim's face brightened at this admission. "Duhhh, you were crying harder than that time you were drinking alone in the elevator."

"Wait, how did you see-never mind. It still wasn't ok to talk to my mom or ex-girlfriends. That's just creepy. Never ever do that again!"

"Jeez, fine. You don't have to get so loud about it. This whole thing has you wound up too tight, you need to loosen up. Have a drink or something."

"You're telling me to have a drink? What do you think is in this mug? Since I've met you I never stop drinking. How to you think that pile of glass under the building has gotten so big?"

"Oh, I just thought I was sleep drinking again. Maybe your problem is that you're too loose then. Whatever you're doing, do the apposite. Relax."

"I think you mean opposite," DOB corrected.

"See, like that. You're too worried over the little things. So I said the wrong word; it's not worth getting upset about. You need to take a lesson from the Swaim school of takin' it easy, which just happens to be in session after work today. Meet me at your car at 5." Before DOB could object to this, Swaim left. He was about to follow him to turn down his offer, or more accurately his command that they spend the evening together, but a little voice inside of him whispered "You've got nothing to lose. There is nothing he could do to humiliate you further and who knows, maybe it'll be fun." So he stayed sitting and patiently waited for the end of the day to arrive.

Dan quietly made his way through the parking garage to the rooftop where is car was parked. Swaim was sun bathing on the hood of his car and as DOB opened the doors with the assistance of his key fob Swaim heard the locks and looked up. Apparently he had been out here for awhile as his skin had a slight, not unpleasant, tan to it. Swaim got off the hood and started walking towards DOB as he approached. For a second Dan thought Swaim was going to punch him and he squeezed his eyes shut as they met. Swaim took this opportunity to snag the car keys from Dan's hand. Before DOB could even register what had happened Swaim was behind the wheel and driving slowly away. DOB came to his senses and sprinted after the car. Swaim abruptly stopped and allowed Dan to climb into the passenger seat. As DOB oriented himself and got his seat belt fastened extra tightly he shot him a grin.

"Gotcha! Haha, that was classic T-Bone, running after his own car."

"If stealing my car is considered "getting me" then yeah, I guess you did." For a few minutes DOB just looked out the window as the Southern California landscape passed them by. Then his situation dawned on him. He was in a car being driven by Swaim and he had no idea where he was being taken.

"Where are we going anyway?" He tried to make his voice sound more forceful than frightened but it was a losing battle.

"A place I know. Don't worry, you'll love it."

"That's not very reassuring. Does it have a name or an address?" Dan tried.

Swaim took a moment to think and then responded, "Probably." Before DOB could press further Swaim cut the engine. Apparently they had arrived. It was a simple apartment complex; indistinguishable from hundreds of others that dotted the skyline.

"Is this…? Did you take me to your home?" Instead of answering DOB's question he pocketed the keys and made his way inside to the elevator. DOB had no choice but to follow him inside and up to apartment number 777. He followed Swaim inside and then just stood in the middle of the floor, trying to figure out what was going on.

"Wow. I didn't think it was possible, but you've gotten even tenser. You should see your spine right now. Go sit on the couch," Swaim gestured to a small grey couch opposite a nicely sized flat screen television. It was worn from years of use but DOB had to admit it looked a lot more comfortable than continuing to stand on the hard wood floor. Swaim sat down next to him and proceeded to put each of his hands on DOB's shoulders.

"What the-what are you doing?" He started to pull away from Swaim's touch but the grip on his shoulders was only tightened.

"Hold still would ya? I'm giving you a little back massage. You know, to help you _relax_."

"Ok, this is too weird. Colleagues, no, two dudes, do not take each other back to their apartments to give them back massages. And knowing you, I have no doubt everyone in the office will know about this, and then there goes my chances with Mandy." Swaim started to move his hands, less than gently, but it still elicited a slight moan from DOB.

"Would you forget about Mandy? It's not going to happen," he stated very matter-of-factly. "But you know what?" he continued, "It's her loss." It was the closest to eloquence that DOB had ever heard Swaim speak with. Furthermore, the tone in which he said it implied genuine interest and compassion. For the first time since the two had met, there was silence between them. Dan relaxed back into Swiam's hands and allowed his eyelids to droop slightly. Swaim's words hadn't exactly made the situation more normal, but they did make it a tiny bit more wanted.

And then Swaim's hands were going ever so slightly lower; first to work the area between his shoulder blades, then his upper back, and finally his lower back. Through all of this his kneading was the perfect combination of firmness and gentleness, causing DOB to unconsciously melt into Swaim's touch. He hardly noticed when Swaim repositioned himself to sit behind Dan, half way though, and he didn't notice now when Michael rested his head on Dan's shoulder. It was only when he stopped his ministrations to wrap his arms around Dan's midsection and clutch him to his chest that Dan suddenly stiffened.

Dan squirmed in an effort to get Michael's attention and bring him back to reality, but it only caused him to hold on tighter. He cleared his throat a few times too, but Michael was too lost in his own thoughts to notice. It was only when Michael started to softly kiss his neck that Dan made a seriously attempt to get away from him. He tried to stand up, but Michael forcefully held him, and continued to plant soft kiss after kiss up and down his exposed flesh.

"Michael, this is highly inappropriate. You have to stop right now. I don't know what you think but, I'm not gay," Dan gasped out.

"Neither am I," Michael countered.

Dan turned his head towards Michael to protest this last statement, but before he could get any words out Michael captured his lips in a fiery kiss. It had been a good while since he had been kissed like that; no, to be _wanted_ like that. That is why he didn't immediately pull back in disgust; that was why he instead leaned into the kiss, or at least that's what he told himself. There was definitely no way that he was actually _attracted_ to Michael. Oh no, he was just lonely and Michael had been the first person to give him a little attention. Yes, that was definitely it. So when Dan started to more than aggressively kiss Michael back, he was _not_ kissing Michael, he was kissing the person who happened to fulfill a current need he had, and nothing more.

When he broke the kiss momentarily to rip Michael's shirt off over his head, it was a little harder for him to pretend that he was a victim of circumstance. This became almost impossible as Michael returned the gesture and then after kissing a wet trail down Dan's abdomen, began to work on undoing his belt. By the time his belt had been removed, however, his fly undone, and his boxers pushed aside he had forgotten any hesitancy. As Michael's mouth started coaxing his cock into full hardness his mind went completely blank. He ran his hands through Michaels chestnut hair and took in the sexy sight before him.

The position they were in was awkward, with Dan half sitting in Michael's lap and Michael contorted and bent, but this didn't take away at all from either of their pleasure. It certainly wasn't the best blowjob that Dan had ever received but it was the most enthusiastic one. Michael was doing all he could to please Dan, and that fact alone turned Dan on even more. It was reassuring and incredibly hot for Dan to feel the bulge beneath his ass which indicated that Michael was as pleased with the turn of events as he currently was. That last revelation was too much for Dan and with a gasp he came; tightening his grip on Michal's hair, forcing his head to stay in place, so that Michael's only choice was to swallow his seed.

As throws of ecstasy left him, he threw his arms around Michael's neck to stabilize him as he slumped against his chest. They stayed like this for a moment; Dan's face buried in the crook of Michael's neck, and then looking up and meeting Michael's eyes, he gave a small nod. Through this simple gesture he communicated everything he wasn't sure he would ever be able to find words for. The crush that he hadn't been strong enough to acknowledge since he had started working there; the thankfulness to Michael for finally forcing him to confront all of it; his constant annoyance with and yet need of Michael. It was all laid out before Michael to be either accepted or rejected by him. Though Dan needn't have worried, as Michael broke out into an uncontrollable smile and proceeded to press it into his wanting mouth. They explored each other's mouths for a while; each trying to find and memorize every curve and contour of the other's. Dan ground into Michael's crotch and Michael eagerly pushed back and gasped into Dan's mouth at the increase in friction.

Finally, Dan pushed Michael away and stood up. Michael cursed himself for loosening his grip around Dan and was sure that he would take this opportunity to run out of his apartment. He was surprised and delighted to find that instead of fleeing in disgust Dan began to peel his jeans off. All of the offending clothing removed Dan rejoined Michael on the couch to assist him with his cloth restraints. Michael lifted up his hips to aide Dan and in no time both were nude. Dan licked his lips and gazed at Michael with a look that could only be described as predatory before he positively attacked Michael's erection. Michael gave a little yelp and then closed his eyes and settled back into the couch to enjoy the experience. Suddenly, the heat of Dan's mouth left him to be replaced by a hand and Michael's eyes reflexively opened in order to evaluate this change. It was Dan's turn to close his eyes as he used one hand to caress his cheeks and tease his whole before pushing one glistening finger inside.

Michael quietly wondered where Dan had procured lube, but since they worked for the columnists usually had it on them more times than not. Dan had been slowly adding fingers and now that he was up to three, he deemed himself ready to take Michael's length. Straddling Michael on the sofa, he lowered himself down, taking time to for both of them to adjust as he took in more and more of Michael. When he was fully seated, he started to move ever so slightly, increasing his rhythm slowly; his intention to make it last as long as possible in case he wouldn't get another chance like this.

Michael wasn't having this however, and fed up with Dan's excruciating gentleness he dug his fingers into Dan's hips and slammed him down. Dan shouted out in pain and pleasure, but this exclamation was cut short as Michael forced him up once again and brought him down over and over. Not content with this, Michael then began to thrust up every time he forced Dan down. With all the sensations flooding his mind Dan could hardly breathe and what had at first been cries of "Yes!" "Harder!" "More!" were reduced to breathy gasps. With one particularly hard thrust Michael released himself within Dan, who found the newfound warmth unusual but not totally undesirable. They stayed together on the couch for what felt like an eternity; both afraid to say or do anything that would take them away from this perfect moment. Eventually however Dan moved to get off of the sofa and this time Michael didn't stop him. Without exchanging a word both put their clothing back on, and then, not really sure what to do, Dan sat next to Michael on the couch.

"That was…," Dan whispered, finally breaking the silence.

"Yeah," Michael agreed, though he wasn't really sure to what.

There was another long pause and Dan briefly wondered if this was how they were going to spend the rest of their time together; in a permanent awkward silence punctured by a few and far between words. No, he decided, that wasn't how he wanted this to end. He opened his mouth to make sure of this, but before he could speak Michael excitedly stated:

"Oh god, we need do this again soon," he sounded more like a little boy after riding rollercoaster for the first time, than a grown man who had just slept with his coworker which Dan found weirdly endearing.

"I mean, as long as you want to," he added shyly. Dan couldn't believe it; did he hear _vulnerability_ in Michael's voice? All of the confidence and brazen, almost prideful indifference to work and life that Michael regularly exuded was gone. He was offering himself up to Dan and he realized that depending on what he said next he could make or break Michael. There was never a doubt in his mind which one his words would be doing; he had come too far to do anything else. Dan broke out into a huge grin and took Michaels face into his hands.

"Yeah. I want to," he whispered before pressing their mouths together, in the first of many, many more kisses to come.


End file.
